Hiding in plain sight

When I was a kid, there was a place I would go when I got upset, especially during my parents' divorce. It was a chair in the dining room, next to a sliding glass door. I would sit in the chair and wrap the gold-colored drapes that framed the window around myself. It was not a very clever hiding spot, I'll admit that. But in talking to my therapist last fall about the divorce, I began to realize that it was a behavior that I have repeated my whole life. Even now, when Hubbz and I get into a big argument and I get frustrated because I can't express myself, I will go to a place in our home that is away from him and curl myself up into a ball. Or wedge myself into a corner. I'm not hiding, per se, because if he came looking for me, he'd find me sitting on the floor crying. And when I wrapped myself up in that chair years ago, I would have been very easy to find. When I described it to my therapist, I called it "hiding in plain sight." And I realize that what I was (am?) doing was finding a safe place, away from whatever had upset me, but close enough that if anyone was so inclined they would easily be able to see me. To help me? To feel sorry for me? To fix things? I honestly don't know what I wanted. Because no one ever found me hiding. At least not that I can remember. I would cry myself out of whatever I was feeling, then go on with my life. I guess they were expecting me to act out or reach out. But instead, I withdrew in to myself. Still do, come to think of it...

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I called my mom last night to check on the boys. They've been with her since Monday and she's not bringing them back until the end of next week after we get through all the moving craziness. And I miss them horribly. So I call to ask about them, and to hear them. Spike is always grunting or babbling in the background. And The Boy, well, as I've said before, he never stops talking, even when the person he wants to talk to is on the phone. I have resisted talking to him because I don't want to upset him. My philosophy has been that if he isn't reminded that he's away from us, he won't miss us as much. But last night my mom told me something that's making me rethink that approach. It seems that every night and during every afternoon nap, he pulls the covers all the way up and tucks them in around his head, so that his whole body is undercover. He asks her to tuck him in like this, then after he falls asleep, she goes up and uncovers him to give his sweaty head some room to breathe. She asked me if he does that at home. Occasionally he does, I thought, but not on purpose. It's usually because he's tossed and turned so much that he's wound himself up in the covers by the time he falls asleep. And sometimes, I toss the covers up over his head when I'm tucking him in, as a joke. But he's never gone to bed completely undercover like that.

But I have. Another form of hiding in plain sight. When I can't sleep because I'm stressed out or upset about something, I pull the covers all the way up over my head. Or hide my head under the pillow. If I had sand, yes, I'd probably stick my head in there, too. It's as transparent as it sounds...

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You are always looking for bits and pieces of yourself in your children. But this one stopped me in my tracks. I knew he had problems being away from us last weekend when he stayed one night with the ILs, but I chalked it up to the stress of that weekend. And I'd be lying if I said I wasn't worried about how he'd do being gone for so long this time around. But I also knew that my mom would know exactly what to do if he got too upset. She's got a very calming nature but at the same time she doesn't indulge outbursts. She's very pragmatic and would help reassure The Boy if he needed it.

But what if there was no outburst? What if he never had an "I miss my mommy" meltdown? What if all he could do was find a safe place, away from what was upsetting him? I know how comforting the idea of blocking out those bad feelings can be. And I know my son. But I don't know what I should do.

I don't regret sending them to my mom's for so long. When we were supposed to be moving last week and going to Mexico this week, it was the best arrangement. Keeping them in one place, for consistency and stability while they're away from home. When our move got pushed to this week, we decided it was still the right thing for my mom to take them because we didn't have any other childcare lined up and we could be freed up to work and pack, both of which are hard to do with two kids around. Plus, they just have a blast at Grandma and Grandpa's house, with a steady flow of cousins, friends and other family members to provide attention and entertainment. He wouldn't even have time to miss me....

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I think what I'm going to do is have my mom give him the option of talking to me, ask him if he wants to call me on the phone. If he doesn't that's OK. It won't hurt my feelings. But if he does, I want him to know he has the option. And even if he doesn't want to talk to me right that minute, he might later. Before he goes to bed. If he thinks of me later in the day.

I just don't want him to feel emotionally abandoned when he's physically apart from us. I want him to know that he doesn't have to hide from or cover up his feelings. That it's OK to miss your mom or whatever else he might be feeling.

And I guess now I need to work on that for myself, too. Because it seems that someone's finally discovered me hiding.